I am back.

This should be revived.
...

Yesterday was just one of those days when you manage to turn everything into a tragedy. Not that the day was tragic, really, it's just the way you see things, you see darkness and emo-ness.

And then, of course, you move on.

----------------------------------

Today is my older brother's, wait for it, 25th birthday!

I woke up at around 5:30 today (late again!), and I peeked into his room. He was reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight and I just grinned at him like a little kid and said, in my loudest voice, "Happy Birthday!". He just made this sound that sounds funny, but cannot be reproduced in print, lest I run out of ASCII characters.

The plan is to go home, and celebrate with the family. There's going to be some seafood paella, I heard, so maybe I will have me some of those carbs at night. See if the universe cares. Haha.

------------------------------------

Yesterday, Soyst told me she's given birth! Welcome to the world, Kahel. I still cannot get over how lovely that name sounds.

And I am a ninong, again! That's three goddaughters.

I swear, that baby is going to be swimming in books, not that Soyst doesn't already know that. Haha.

------------------------------------

Speaking of books, I was talking to my younger brother last night about a book of mine he was reading, Sila Noon, which details the personal histories of 9 Filipino writers from pre- to post-war years. Liwayway Arceo, Genoveva Matute, Efren Abueg, etc. etc.

My brother is obsessed with history, and I say this without exaggeration. He would drive himself to Escolta and look at the old buildings, Reina Regente, etc. He told me that the Manila Opera House has been turned to Chicks o'Clock, a nightclub, even before I went to Carriedo myself. His idea of "me time" is spending hours in the lib, just reading history books in the Filipiniana section. And of course, because he is that enamored with history, he decided to major in Biology. I bought the said book so I could see what life was like working for a literary magazine in the 30's; he read it because it described Manila's architecture and its general way of life.

Anyway, we got to talking about some of the books that were assigned as summer reading for my sister in high school, which I, being a meddler, would read while she was not looking. One book that I remember was Ang Mag-anak na Cruz, by Liwayway Arceo. I still love that book.

When we were living in a 2-room apartment, all four of us siblings were forced to share one room. That says a lot about how we don't exactly know what privacy is, much less how we should organize our stuff. The books, for one, were either scattered (that's a good day for us), or "hurricaned". They formed towers beside our beds, some were under our beds (the boring ones, like "Don't do. Delegate!" or "1001 Best Businesses To Start").

That book, I remember, is in one of the designated bookshelves above the headboard. I had tried to classify the books, so it got marooned there beside Canal de la Reina also by Liway Arceo and Moog by B.S. Medina. And some of the classics.

My brother asked if he can read the book. Frankly, I don't remember if we brought it when we moved in '99. We had to let go of many books. I argued then that if we were moving to a bigger place, why the hell would we have to downsize, bookwise?

So, the books were shipped off somewhere. I don't know where we took them, but I don't see any Grishams in the new house, except for the new ones. I don't know if The Tao of Physics was ever rescued. Although, for sure, my Mom threw away Perfume, but not after my dad, my sister, my older brother and I have read and re-read the book. Hah!

I think it was my Dad and I who lobbied to keep the classics. I even promised that they can stuff my room with all of the books. Well, I soon discovered that each room had a designated bookshelf, so I became the designated book arranger. Which means, all the ones I like are in my room,bahala na 'yung iba. Which is why, sometimes, in between my law books, a tattered copy of A Christmas Carol is tucked. I like to read it out loud. Or Crime and Punishment, with an image of who could be assumed as Dostoesvsky, ominously stroking his beard.

I think I DO miss the books that became my classics, books that have been so worn both in actuality and in my memory. There are others, now, newer books. Books that will soon become classics in their own right. What looked like a very organized library is now beginning to take on the look of our apartment-days "library." I love it. Haha.

-------------------------------

This gives me hope. Sana, sana talaga.

...

The weird thing about me is that I have to process reality. I think that a normal person is IN reality, or should be, so that in living, he need not think of how to process his perceptions.

With me, I think I live in several worlds of possibilities, a multiverse. Worlds which strictly are not, are fictitious. Reality comes to me, that's the thing; it has to hit me first, before I acknowledge it.

That in itself is cause for concern, but what's bothersome to me is the means by which reality makes itself known to me, its machinations. No, it's really just one thing: pain.

There's no agent capable of such astonishingly sobering effect as pain. When faced with it, all my worlds shut down, a kind of anti-armageddon, or a quasi-end, where everything that did not exist ceases to exist as non-existent. A shining exception to the rule that a positive is birthed by two negatives.

With such force, capable of destruction, it seems to me that if pain could do that, it should (as a matter of nature) be able to deliver a reality that is rich, glorious and full. It is only right that some form of compensation be awarded on the occasion of such ruination, because at the very least, the creation of those worlds was attended by difficulty and a great deal of suspension of disbelief.

Unfortunately, that's not the case. Is it that pain's arrival exacts so much effort, that its entrance is so overwhelming that the beginning IS its climax, denouement and end all in one second, a short short piece of fiction? That after it comes. what? Reality, a name for something that is so separate, so divorceable (divorced as it is already) from myself that I am capable of facing it, am able to stand diametrically opposed to it.

As though even pain forgot what it's meant to carry, what it delivers by its existence--an existence so heavy it requires the nullification of everything else.

...

Yehey 2008!

I promised myself I'd digest all 89 cases for my Succession class during the vaca, but of course, I didn't. Instead, I busied myself with getting drunk while cooking whole wheat pasta (NOTE: it takes 18-20 minutes to cook, unlike the usual 13, which is what the wrapper said, so we ended up with pasta al dente, if by dente we meant tyrannosaurus rex dente.) thanks of course to my mom the health buff smoker.

Speaking of smoking, it has been 7 days since my last cigarette. I do not want to say that I quit smoking, since that jinxes it, but needless to say, I've been experiencing major withdrawal thingies, like aching back, clogged nose, top-grade headache, whathaveyou. What I do now is to deduct 30 php from my daily allowance and stash it somewhere, for future use. I really don't make a big deal out of it now.

School sucks ass, pardon the obscenity (or not). It's weird how we complain about the workload we carry when it all could have been remedied by the very simple concept of time management. Sad, but true. Instead of lusting over the Complete Poems of Anne Sexton, we should have just studied Evidence. Seriously though, I could live in Fully Booked, that gigantic one in Serendra.

--------------------------------

Wow, by the end of this year, my blog would be five years old. It's like a small child.

--------------------------------

Yesterday, my horoscope said that I will not have time for myself. I will be flooded with people. The opposite happened, though. I left the house at 6am, talked to no one, and ended up at Starbucks up to 9pm, talking only to the barista who haded me coffee.

If I HAVE to make a pronouncement, I would say that 2008 will see me more alone than usual. And it's not such a bad thing, too. Because I think I'm like a sponge, I absorb most of what other people want, what they fear, etc etc, so now I can finally figure out what it is I want, what I need, I can focus more.

--------------------------------

A few days before New Year, we ate at Cabalen, where I feasted on crispy crablets and okoy. An hour later, I was on the verge of what doctors drolly name as anaphylactic allergy. Haha. Typical. Shortness of breath indicative of swollen airway, hives the size of 5peso coins. It did not help that we were doing grocery at that time, with me carrying the stuff my mom was too frail to carry. Of course the cure was Claritin, two tablets the size of a grain of rice.

Happy New Year!

...

My friend and I have a theory to explain this recent wave of laziness and the general sense of sloth here in school...Christmas.

Honestly, though I think it's because I did not plan this semester correctly. No one in his right mind puts Evidence, Succession and Tax 2 in one semester. I should have taken Succession last term with Corp.

This is really sad, isn't it?

---------------------------------

WORRYWART

I have to get 80+ in all of my subjects this sem. My current GWA is 81.1, including all the grades from Ateneo. Given my very well-calculated projections of my would-be grades, this GWA will be reduced to 80.8 by the time I reach fourth year, which means I am only .8 grade point(s?) away from getting the boot.

Which ultimately means that should I get a grade below 80 in, let's say, Evidence, I have to compensate by getting a 90 in both Insurance and Legal Medicine, since Evid is four units. And if I get grades below 80 in both Succession and Evidence, well I have to get 90 is Labrel, LegMed, Insurance and TAx 2.

That's scary. And Arellano really puts on its kicking boots at around this time. A friend told me to just "enjoy life" and not let law school get to me. then again, this friend currently has an 85 GWA and is already taking review classes.

-------------------------------------

I discovered that my usual response to stress is to abandon all the things i wrote in my planner, which is why this entry is taking an hour and fifteen minutes to write.

-------------------------------------

To friends,

I want to see you before Christmas. Not that I have gifts for you (I'm so sorry, I am really broke, then again, do i really give christmas gifts? I dont think so...long-ass segue), but because...wala lang. I miss you all. again. I dont know.

i feel that whatever is in my head cant really be understood by anyone anyway, but it's nice to have people to talk with and with whom to nod our heads in feigned agreement, di ba?

ewan. bottomline: you guys, me, us, some place where drinking is the hobby du jour.

...

This is a long entry.

Yeah, that's a warning.

----------------------------------

I. Rush, rush

Both tired and terrified of the prospect of me ramming our car into objects more valuable than my neighbor's tree, like say, little children or other cars, my parents have decided to send me to a refresher course for driving.

This course, I think, is meant for those who know how to drive, yet still do it schizophrenically, like a cross between a 90-year old and Paris Hilton. That's me, if you must know. i have old a friend that I drive with my eyes Superglued to the windshield, but still manage to cuss like a sailor at any oncoming vehicle (even throwing small coins at their windows.)

The decision comes right at the heels of another decision: to let me take a car to school everyday, since apparently, my third year will involve a lot of driving around. It is not only for my safety, they say, it's for the general public's, as well, sort of like sending a tranquilized leopard into a populated area.

Of course, I have driven before. I like to think I'm good at it (apparently, no one likes to think of me driving at all). But my general driving experience usually involves a huge debate, usually between my father and I. I've been told I turn too fast, I'm horrible at reverse driving, but, I like to remind them, I do a mean parallel park (Ha!). Plus, thinking of pedestrians as abstract concepts doesn't help, either. Neither does climbing a pavement while turning.

This slew of information I keep hidden from the friendly receptionist at the driving school booth. She is unfortunately armed with unintentionally prying questions such as, Why do you need to do a rush lesson? It may as well be Why do you suck. Oh, I say, I know how to drive, I just...missed some aspects of it. I don't tell her that the aspects I missed were essential ones, like braking without someone getting whiplashed.

So this. Driving lesson. I opted for the rush version of it like I said, which means I get to drive around Manila for 8 hours, after which, hopefully, I have exorcised my demons as well a my Evel Kneivel tendencies.

Right now, I see my car about to pull over in front of me. It has a good color, nice sheen, too, hopefully I don't get to scratch it.

Besides, I can always take this piece of advice from my dad: Never offer to drive your loved ones anywhere. So, friends, when I drive for you, I don't love you.

II. Driving Miss Daisy

Beginning the lesson was easy enough. I pretended to listen to the preliminary speech about safety.

This is definitely much quieter than driving my father to work, I thought. This is fun.

Have any of you driven from Manila to La Union? or Isabela?

Yeah, that's how long I drove.

I know what people and general surgeons say about smoking, but I swear, it was the cure for every ache I felt after that drive to North Africa.

Oh, and at one point, the instructor decided not to teach me and he just slept, right there in the car. I was laughing so hard, but then my mom told me that it's their trick to make sure, you're still alert or something. Fuck, he must've heard me.

So after the whole shebang, 1-9pm I wen to Seattle's smoked. Dead tired.

...

Today's health trivia: Exercise helps people quit smoking.

Spare me please. Why do I even bother with the news huh?

-----------------

I NEED to watch Running With Scissors. I need to see Anette Bening one more time.

-----------------

I like Billy Bob Thornton.


...

I got the junebug. I started June with a bad case of the flu. Which means I was left at home most of the time. Meaning, also, I sniffed my way through the days, not to mention I also burned. Literally. Haha.

----------------------

Wrote three poems during the flu days. Thanks to Yot and Jack Kerouac. I think I just found my voice, my new voice. I think.

The thing with writing a poem after a series of really bad poems is that you seem kind of surprised, surprised that you are capable of writing something that you like.

I think I read from Kerouac's journal that to be able to write means being aware of what you like to read in a poem, and writing it.

----------------------

I am going back to law school in a few days. A tad nervous, I have to admit. It's like going back to sword swallowing, or tightrope walking.

And I still don't have a job. It's fear, I think. Jobstreet must be pulling all its hairs out because I have not filed a resume yet. And to think it even bothers to send me jobs that it thinks I might like. Urgh.

My parents said I don't have to go find a job just yet. They want me to focus. But I think I need a job. If only to preserve what dignity I have left.

...

Okay, one entry before I go into my finals. I'm finding myself with less and less to say.

Haha, I'm not stressed anymore. Or, rather, I don't think I can tell the difference between stressful and not stressful anymore. Heh. I'm really just sucking it up right now. Suck it up!

Law school's just fine right now. There is of course the possibility that I will get the boot---wait.

You know, no matter how many times I promise to myself that I shall never bombard my blog with tales of law school, I just cannot help it. It's like I have no life outside law school. That is true, for the most part. I really am sort of attached to law school.

--------------------------------

I suppose I should tell you my recent run-ins with insanity, but that would freak anyone who has a brain. Yes, guys, I think I'm nearing insanity.

No worries.

Okay, I'm just going to blabber.

My glasses keep sliding to the end of my nose.

I am running out of pens.

I am not losing weight. I am dropping pounds like England.

I think I'll buy Visine tomorrow. Gets the red out in 60 seconds.

I am out of money.

Comfort is wearing slippers to school.

I need a dermatograph.

Farewell is like this

...

Stress level.

It hurts.

Insanity check.

LSSes. Heh. Plural.

"Cool kids never had the time."

1979
Smashing Pumpkins
Mellon Collie (Disc 2)


shakedown 1979,cool kids never have the time
on a live wire right up off the street
you and i should meet

junebug skipping like a stone
with the headlights pointed at the dawn
we were sure we'd never see an endto it all

and i don't even careto shake these zipper blues
and we don't know
just where our bones will rest
to dust i guess
forgotten and absorbedinto the earth below

double cross the vacant and the bored
they're not sure just what we have in the store
morphine city slippin dues down to see
that we don't even care as restless as we are

we feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts
and poured cement, lamented and assured
to the lights and towns below
faster than the speed of sound

faster than we thought we'd go, beneath the sound of hope
justine never knew the rules,
hung down with the freaks and the ghouls
no apologies ever need be made, i know you better than you fake it

to see that we don't care to shake these zipper blues
and we don't know just where our bones will rest
to dust i guess
forgotten and absorbed into the earth below
the street heats the urgency of sound
as you can see there's no one around

Because The Night
10,00 Maniacs
MTV Unplugged

Take me now, baby, here as I am
Hold me close, try and understand
Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe
Love is a banquet on which we feed


Come on now, try and understand
The way I feel under your command
Take my hand, come under cover
They can't hurt you now


Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to lust
Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to us


Have I doubt, baby, when I'm alone
Love is a ring on the telephone
Love is an angel, disguised as lust
Here in our bed 'til the morning comes


Come on now, try and understand
The way I feel under your command
Take my hand, come under cover
They can't hurt you now


Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to lust
Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to us


With love we sleep, with doubt the vicious circle turns, and burns
Without you, I cannot live, forgive the yearning burning
I believe in love too real to feel, take me now, take me now, take me now


Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to lust
Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to us

------------------------------

I need saving. Sabi ko, Just this week, just this week. After this, everything will be ok. Everything will rest, including me. And my freaking battered body.

Last na lang, talaga:

Cross My Heart
Everything But The Girl

Now and then
Do you wash your hands of me again
Wish me anywhere but home
Drunk and on the end of your phone

From time to time
Do you guess what's really on my mind
Guess that "How you're keeping now"
Means "Where are you sleeping now"

But of course it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did, you might reply that I have no right
And anyway I'm fine
Glad that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and I hope to die

You'd be appalled
If you knew what I was doing when you called
Yes, I can see I'm blundering
And I always end up wondering

Will it ever be alright
To ask you where you spent last night
And can it be polite
The way we never write
'Cause I don't have the time
And anyway I'm fine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and I hope to die

Oh, I know it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did, you might reply that I have no right
And anyway I'm fine that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and I hope to die

I hope we'll never die
I hope we'll never die
I hope we'll never die

Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart.....

Suntok sa Buwan
Session Road

Hindi mo ba alam
Damdamin ko’y pinagtakpan
Makasama ka’y suntok sa buwan

‘Di mo nga alam
Mundo mo nga’y iyong tignan
Kung ganyan, walang pupuntahan

Hindi ko ‘to gusto
Pero ‘wag kang lalayo

Itanong mo sa akin
At tatanungin ko rin
Kung ika’y aamin
Lahat ay gagawin

‘Di mo napapansin
Kailangan mo akong dinggin
‘Di habang buhay ika’y aantayin

Ito’y aking hiling
At sana naman ay tanggapin
Ng puso ko’y ‘di nabibitin

-------------------------

And there goes my sanity.

Bow.

...

Stress level.

It hurts.

Insanity check.

LSSes. Heh. Plural.

"Cool kids never had the time."

1979
Smashing Pumpkins
Mellon Collie (Disc 2)


shakedown 1979,cool kids never have the time
on a live wire right up off the street
you and i should meet

junebug skipping like a stone
with the headlights pointed at the dawn
we were sure we'd never see an endto it all

and i don't even careto shake these zipper blues
and we don't know
just where our bones will rest
to dust i guess
forgotten and absorbedinto the earth below

double cross the vacant and the bored
they're not sure just what we have in the store
morphine city slippin dues down to see
that we don't even care as restless as we are

we feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts
and poured cement, lamented and assured
to the lights and towns below
faster than the speed of sound

faster than we thought we'd go, beneath the sound of hope
justine never knew the rules,
hung down with the freaks and the ghouls
no apologies ever need be made, i know you better than you fake it

to see that we don't care to shake these zipper blues
and we don't know just where our bones will rest
to dust i guess
forgotten and absorbed into the earth below
the street heats the urgency of sound
as you can see there's no one around

Because The Night
10,00 Maniacs
MTV Unplugged

Take me now, baby, here as I am
Hold me close, try and understand
Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe
Love is a banquet on which we feed


Come on now, try and understand
The way I feel under your command
Take my hand, come under cover
They can't hurt you now


Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to lust
Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to us


Have I doubt, baby, when I'm alone
Love is a ring on the telephone
Love is an angel, disguised as lust
Here in our bed 'til the morning comes


Come on now, try and understand
The way I feel under your command
Take my hand, come under cover
They can't hurt you now


Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to lust
Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to us


With love we sleep, with doubt the vicious circle turns, and burns
Without you, I cannot live, forgive the yearning burning
I believe in love too real to feel, take me now, take me now, take me now


Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to lust
Because the night belongs to lovers
Because the night belongs to us

------------------------------

I need saving. Sabi ko, Just this week, just this week. After this, everything will be ok. Everything will rest, including me. And my freaking battered body.

Last na lang, talaga:

Cross My Heart
Everything But The Girl

Now and then
Do you wash your hands of me again
Wish me anywhere but home
Drunk and on the end of your phone

From time to time
Do you guess what's really on my mind
Guess that "How you're keeping now"
Means "Where are you sleeping now"

But of course it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did, you might reply that I have no right
And anyway I'm fine
Glad that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and I hope to die

You'd be appalled
If you knew what I was doing when you called
Yes, I can see I'm blundering
And I always end up wondering

Will it ever be alright
To ask you where you spent last night
And can it be polite
The way we never write
'Cause I don't have the time
And anyway I'm fine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and I hope to die

Oh, I know it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did, you might reply that I have no right
And anyway I'm fine that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and I hope to die

I hope we'll never die
I hope we'll never die
I hope we'll never die

Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart
Cross my heart.....

Suntok sa Buwan
Session Road

Hindi mo ba alam
Damdamin ko’y pinagtakpan
Makasama ka’y suntok sa buwan

‘Di mo nga alam
Mundo mo nga’y iyong tignan
Kung ganyan, walang pupuntahan

Hindi ko ‘to gusto
Pero ‘wag kang lalayo

Itanong mo sa akin
At tatanungin ko rin
Kung ika’y aamin
Lahat ay gagawin

‘Di mo napapansin
Kailangan mo akong dinggin
‘Di habang buhay ika’y aantayin

Ito’y aking hiling
At sana naman ay tanggapin
Ng puso ko’y ‘di nabibitin

-------------------------

And there goes my sanity.

Bow.

...

People may sometimes think, from the tone of my blog entries, that I am busy every day. That my days simply comprise a series of really busy events.

That is partly untrue. Sometimes, I get to rest, too. I get to do things normal people do.

This day is not one of those days. Oh god, I'm so busy. It seems my professors have suddenly realized the fact that they've been absent for so many times this sem. And they've decided to take it out on us. Typical.

I want to explain (so much) the reasons for this sudden burst of activity. I want to relate to everyone every thing that I have to accomplish by tomorrow. But I won't.

I've acquired the habit of "sugaring." You see, my "down hours" are the ones in the early morning (before morning coffee) and the ones after class (when the morning coffee wears out). I've discovered that the coffee I drink in the evening does not work for me anymore; I still end up sleepy. So, I've taken to consuming root beer or sprite to keep me up. I'm so typical.

I know it's bound to kill me someday. But then again, what isn't?

This is an all-time high for physical and emotional fatigue.

-------------------------------

I'm thinking, maybe I should find alternative relaxation methods. Not the ones we're used to, the ones that involve incense or "om", no, the ones that can preferable relax you in 15 minutes. The ones you can do while in a bus. Suggestion naman o.

I was thinking, the combination of yosi and cigarettes and a two hour class can really make your breath smell bad, huh? I've been so cautious about that, often popping those breath strips three at a time now. My blockmate, however, absolutely refuses to. Sheesh. They say that one way to check if your breath is kind of, uh, weird, is to lick a small part of your skin and wait till your saliva dries then smell it. That is kind of gross. I'm rambling.

-------------------------------

I'm not happy that Reese won. It should have been Felicity. Those Oscar people were wrong!

Walk The Line sucked. Big time.

Ok, pano ba 'to. Byebye.

Date:	2006-03-07 13:13
Subject:	Republic v Taking Back Monday
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy

As it turns out, my dad has apprehensions about my summer activities. I don't who told him that a former lawyer at the Human Rights Center was killed because of lawyer-related things. Now, he's cooking up reasons why I shouldn't go.

This is what I've been afraid of. That my parents' hold on me and my life will get too tight that I will end up doing the things they want me to do, not the things I want to do for myself. I want to ask my father about how long he's planning to control my life and everything I do, or is this just a hobby for him. I feel so hurt that the people I love are the ones who are keeping me from doing what I want. It's not like I want to commit murder, or do drugs for the rest of my life. I just want to join an internship program. How hard can that be?

My parents have apparently constructed a whole life for me. If I had known that I was going to be their doll, I wouldn't have had these dreams.

Don't get me wrong. I know my parents' fears. I know that they are afraid I'll end up killed by some hired assassin, or I'll end up poor. Yes. I can't promise that they won't ever happen. But I think there should come a point in anyone's life that decisions are not going to be made for him. He should make them.

Ayoko na ng stress. I've seen the things I want for myself wither away more times than I wish to count. I am not letting this one go by without a fight. I am way too tired of seeing my parents get in the way of the things I want. I've been your obedient kid for 21 years. Please, just for once, let me do something I want.

Just let me learn the lessons for myself this time. Shit, I wish my parents read this.

...

I suppose I should write a perfunctory and very introspective entry about how my life is going right at this moment. But, as much as I want to do that, I can't.

The life report reads like this: Subject (that's me) is sort of happy, or what could be the law school equivalent of happy: slightly convalescent. Haha.

It's 2.07 am and he can't sleep. He has a paper to write but chooses not to care. This is the life.

--------------------------

This time, I feel that a great deal of change is about to take place. It's like the ground is shifting and the landscape is being erased or something.

Yet, I feel as though I am not changing. I am in a time of great uncertainity. And obviously, incoherence, so please, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You probably should not continue.

---------------------------

I feel happy because finally I feel like I'm given the chance to do something, something that has some sort of an impact. Yeah, that sounds so...err, pathetic just about now. I don't care. Hehe.

Shit, I should be sleeping.

---------------------------

Shit, I should be smoking. It's 2.38. Is insomnia a withdrawal symptom? It should be...

I admire quitters. Quitting is very hard to do. Yey! for quitters. Yey for the Jason Alexanders of the world.

---------------------------

I guess there's a reason why I put all these hyphens. I can't get a decent thought right.

Aaaaah! 2.52 am! I'm going to be fucked up tomorrow.

And I probably should smoke.

Bye you guys.

...

Happy Birthday to me.

So there was an earthquake yesterday. I did not feel it.

Yesterday was Be An Extrovert For A Day day, so I hosted the Birthday party our block threw for our Consti prof. Even if the grade I got could qualify as a motive for murder. I personally bought the block's gift for him: a bottle of tapuy, a rice wine made somewhere in Kalinga.

Being an Extrovert for a day is tiring. I just can't smile and be friendly for THAT long. So to those who are perpetually cheerful and smiley, let me congratulate you. Damn, that takes strength.

-----------------------------

I will attend my first Human Rights meeting tomorrow. I feel like a kid. So, I'm excited.

Argh, I'm so incoherent!

-----------------------------

I told my dad about my grades. Naturally, he wasn't happy. Who would be happy?

My wish is to have more coherent entries in the future.

I got in. Yehey.

Summer can't come soon enough. Wee!

I cannot believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to be fine. Even if I do get kicked out.

-----------------------------

I tried cold turkey-ing during the vacation. It was really weird. In a physical way. My hands were trembling, my back hurt like hell. And I ended up feeling very clayey...I don't know.

So, I decided to do the cutting down thing. Very good. Makes you enjoy every stick. I guess.

The doctor I saw wasn't happy when he told me to "take it easy," and yes, people die from fatigue. But mine wasn't that bad. He told me the dizziness was part of it, the light headedness and the heavyheadedness(?) Basta, nag-aalternate. I asked for meds, but he didnt give any, just that I should drink juice. Lots of it.

I asked him if I should cut down on coffee, he said I shouldn't. I guess that's a good thing. But he did tell me to lay off the nicotine. And he told me I shouldn't worry about going out of town.

I was still reeling from the effects of that fatigue-papansin-episode when class ended this afternoon. My head couldn't seem to stay on top of my neck and the letters from the book seemed jumbled and blurry. So I got some juice. I smoked my first stick for the day, at 6pm. That's new. I was actually semi-kicking a 5-yr old bad habit. That hit me pretty hard. Made me smile for the first time in...days.

Guess everything's changing.

...

Date:	2006-02-09 17:18
Subject:	Republic v Weeks
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

I hate this week.

1. Got called for Oblicon on a question whose answer I got completely wrong.

2. Got called for Consti for the 3rd time, when the prof explicitly said that he will only call those who havent been called yet.

3. Got another "?" as my grade for a Theo quiz.

If my luck does not change, I may end up getting the boot from Ateneo.

I am also joining to Summer Internship Program.

...

Urgh, I'm so sleepy. Yey, we have YM here in school already. Apparently, no one's cool enough to download YM here. Heh.

The current case is one where the spirit--my spirit, rather, is so willing to study and read, but my body is weak. I don't really know what's wrong me tonight, but I am kind of afraid I'd faint somewhere. Hehe, let's hope not, ok?

I suppose I should try to rest more and smoke less, but, it's as bad as a lost argument for me.

I'm trying to enjoy the assigned article, really, because knowing me, I should find this enjoyable. And I do enjoy it, at least on the mental level. My eyes, however, do not. They keep trying to fall.

--------------------------

It's 8.27 pm here, I think, and they're starting to close the lib. Hah, be rebellious PB, resist them.

--------------------------

I am planning to buy some books on how to study foreign languages, and I am mildly surprised at how many nations speak French as a first and/or second language. So, I might study French first.

How does one study a language through a goddamn book?

It would be nice to study German, too. A list. A list is good.

1. Francais
2. Deustch
3. Español
4. Bahasa Indonesia
5. Portugues

I want to be a language freak. That way, UN'd let me in without a freaking hitch.

That would mean that I'd need friends who will be willing to learn the languages with me, so that I have someone to talk with. We'll be weird. We'll be predictable. We'll be foreign together. We'll be xenomaniacs, walking around with foreign utterances dancing about our lips, gibberish flowing smoothly, issuing forth from the corners of our mouths, our bodies open yet vague, free from the understanding of everyone else, which is all we really want in this world and in this life, really: we want everyone else to shake their heads, laughing, then with tears, say, "I don't understand you."

...

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Ok I promised myself that I would not rant, I'll just wonder out loud, about WHY THE HELL I THINK I'M FAILING MY OBLICON EXAM WHEN I FUCKING STUDIED FOR IT FOR TWO FUCKING MONTHS.

That's loud enough.

I like to think that SHIT HAPPENS so maybe I should just DEAL WITH IT, but no. This semester is different. I gave up seeing my friends, I gave up my precious time to spend 12 fucking hours in the library. I was monk-like for God's sake.

And now, this. It turns out that when I thought my grades were starting to look good, I failed to think that maybe this is just ONE BIG FUCKING ILLUSION and the truth is that, really, Ateneo's just going to kick me out like a crack whore.

Of course, never mind the fact that I've reduced myself to complete and utter dorkiness.

My professor told us that maybe we should stop thinking about the midterms because it's over and done with, well let me tell you something, SCREW YOU. I tried, ok? I really tried keeping up appearances, pretending that I'm this optimist who thinks everything is just peachy. Well, I'm not. I am not that person. Please allow me to wallow in existential muck.

The thing that bothers me really is that I cannot blame anyone but my freaky nerd-self. But even that I can't do well. I mean, it was the professor's job to make the exams a living breathing hell, but it was my job to do well in it. Argh!

Tanga tanga tanga mo PB. You should have pursued a career in creative writing just like you've always planned. You were happy writing your little poems, right? Why did you have to invest anything in this law school shit?

Did you really have to show people what an irrepressible loser you are?

And this is just the thing: Law school grew on me. I started loving it. I started wanting to become a lawyer. Ugh, I'm pathetic.

End.

-------------------------------

Luckily, my blockmate Sam cooked up a good but potentially fatal solution to the midterm blues, Sugarhouse.

Well, stop diet temporarily. Had a Concorde (er, I can't eat a plane so please). It was good actually. Sam and I bemoaned our doomed fates in the midst of luscious, artery-blocking food. Be still, my aching heart, I believe oatmeal doth melt cholesterol.

Yes, I am an emotional eater. Yes, I admit it. I also am an emotional drinker, an emotional smoker. Damn, I'm just plain emotional, ok?

So, now, I feel...fine. I've been better obviously, but I'm not suicidal.

I slept myself silly today. Got to bed last night at around 2 am, woke up at 8 am, slept again, woke up at 1pm then attempted to sleep again, which did not work because apparently your body can only sleep so much.

I am half on autopilot today. My eyes are half closed, god, what is with the half-ness today?

If there is anything worse than over-activity, it's over-inactivity. I feel like jello. And, I sure thank God no one can see me in my, uh, inanimate state, where my actual words are reduced into "uhhhhh's" or other permutations of that semi-word.

My professor in Oblicon did not assign any readings, neither did my Consti professor, who may or may not be coming to school tomorrow.

------------------------------

I watched some weird French film last night, Merci Docteur Rey, where Dianne Wiest plays some diva (in the real, Puccini sense of the word), who has a son, who in turn has a fascination for rent boys. Vanessa Redgrave was there, too.

The movie's soundtrack is very very weird, too. It has Cake's remake of I Will Survive, some opera music ('At last I know the stranger's name; his name is Love'. in Italian of course), and some Astrud Gilberto as well. I love it.

------------------------------

My eyes are hurting. Really. I know, I know, I should've gotten those lenses with the "anti-computer glare" something. Uhhhhhhhh.

I love Coldplay's Talk. Very New Wave.

...